The Pursuit of Self Realization

As I Follow the Chord to Your Voice

2011-02-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' sophomore album is as good but sadly not as popular as their first. Their new EP is good as well.

I'm losing my penchant for words. Blame it on a lack of sleep if I may, but I think it is really due to my brain cells getting fried. I have nothing to write about here. Whenever I try to write lyrics, they get erased by quality control. Not saying that the previous ones were good. It's just that they either sneaked past QC or the QC at their time had a lower standard.

This lack of sleep is bad. So is the insomnia. But since I spammed 5 cans of energy drinks the past week, they could be the cause of that insomnia. I basically stared at darkness for 1 - 2 hours before falling asleep. And of course I was thinking, possibilitizing, what-iffing as I stared. My mind doesn't go blank at night. I actually think it is most curious at night, but my eyes do not allow its curiosity to reach its full potential.

And as a consequence of my owl-like habits, I have obtained panda eyes, a cranky attitude, laziness, nonchalance, and I don't feel in top condition. Hell, I think I'm turning into a sloth, but at least they feel in top condition(I think).

So yeah, this post will be one that seems like parts of pages of different magazines torn out and pasted together to make one page. I confused myself there but what I meant to say is that there won't be a fixed, overall topic to this post. Just because I have nothing else to continue the previous paragraphs.

How is it back home? I want to go home so much. My mind tells me to stay here and get a job or research position because it will help in the future. But deep down, I know that I want to go home. I don't want to get started on listing the reasons I want to go home. It will just probably bore you out like how a boring movie will make you sleep. But if you want to know, I think some hints are around. You just need to scavenge around here to look for them.

Random and as out of place as it may sound, Drop C is my new favourite guitar tuning. It sounds so bad ass. Now I just need my brain to embrace some words and knit them together into an awesome set of lyrics. Dreaming? No, I think it is possible.

The green tea, apple flavored SLAP energy drinks are the best I have ever tasted. And due to their current promotion, they are the cheapest as well. Yeah, I should stock up on some of that essence of staying awake.

Shit I am running out of things to say, and pictures too. So I guess I will stop pressing the keys on the keyboard soon and pick a pencil and go do my work.

Happy CNY

2011-02-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I miss celebrating Chinese New Year back in Malaysia. Those of you back home and celebrating with your family, I am happy for you and obviously sad for myself. While those who are not going to be home celebrating, you are not alone.

I'm too tired to update much but I finally got my second pickup yesterday and since classes were cancelled today due to sonic winds and sleet that makes people feel like they are being shot by gattling guns.

I spent 3 - 4 hours installing the damn pickup because I had to remove the other one as well. And it wasnt really worth it because I am not impressed by the sound. Oh well I guess that is what I get for buying a second hand pickup that is 8 years old.

Here is the final product.

Oh well, Happy Chinese New Year.

Can We Pretend It's Always Been Okay

2011-01-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

Framing Hanley invokes some sense of nostalgia in me.

So, yeah. I have finally decided that it is time to call time on my celibacy from posting here. With that comes the lifting of the barrier that says only invited readers can enter. And by that, it meant that only I could enter. Without further convoluting statements, I hereby welcome you back here in this mini, insignificant reopening.

Alright, so what made me unprivatize this blog? I don't have a specific reason except I felt like doing it. Who cares anyway. But, I have pictures. I'll come back to that later.

Amidst the revelation that this semester is going to be an ardous, brick shitting, tough as diamond semester, I needed something that would be a substitute for comfort food. So, I did. I chanced across this electric guitar selling for just $65. It is freaking cheap compared to my 2 other electric guitars. Being fresh from the future kick in my face, I clicked buy because it was cheap and I needed some 'comfort food'. Well, electric guitars are perfect substitutes for that.

Oh, I didn't stop there. I thought "Why get only an electric guitar? It will most probably be worse than my current one. I should get some fancy stuff to pimp it up." And so I did. I bought a pickup, my favourite set of strings, and some stickers for it. I performed the plastic surgery on my guitar yesterday.

Here are some pictures showing the before and after of that long procedure that was new to me.

(top)The 'patient' with the tools and ingredients for the cosmetic surgery.
(below top) The 'patient' after the procedure.

But there was still something bugging me after the modifications. So with the leftover stickers, I gave more 'tattoos' to the guitar. I present to you, the final product.

I am somehow slightly uneasy over some of the sticker placements. I keep thinking they could have been better. But the rice has already become porridge. I dont think they will stick well after I remove them and change their positions. So I should learn to live with it. It's life after all.

Guess what. That one pickup cost me more than the guitar itself.

Guess what else. I am thinking of getting another new pickup to replace the stock pickup at the neck of the guitar. But I doubt that will be anytime soon. Hopefully the price of the pickup I am eyeing drops by the time I need more 'comfort food' and decide to buy a new pickup.

This new toy of mine not only looks good, but sounds great too. That vocal chord change I did by changing the pickup gives it an awesome sound to my ears. It's EMG afterall. But maybe it is just my POD since I used a different amp configuration.

Alright, I think I'm going to watch a movie now, and maybe sleep halfway through it.

You Gotta Risk It To Get The Biscuit

2010-08-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

Title is my favourite quote from Fired Up, although its kind of illogical because I don't really like biscuits, but it rhymes so I'll stick with it.

I wonder how people can magically weave their words into exotic sounding sentences. Something along the lines of "And the scent of her beauty travelled on the back of the silky wind and was picked up by the almost wolflike sense of smell of the hero and he glided so gracefully across the serrated ground below him to the side of the damsel in distress and liberated her from the chains of stares from the catlike curiosity of the people who have never seen such perfection displayed in front of their tools of sight, but to their deepest despair, the last things they will see are crimson tidal waves of blood and a slight glimmer of the hero's sword as he crashes it down through their bodies."

Yeah I think you get the idea. Just imagine that the above sentence is 100 times better because i rate it a 0.1 out of 10.

So I drove around the roads in my mind looking for the answer only to arrive at dead ends because according to my mind, it is a philosophical answer. And Since I will have to take 1 or 2 philosophy classes in the near future, I might as well get started.

And so it brings me to the long living debate of nature versus nature. I always choose nature and nurture because I hope to get half of the marks instead of zero in an exam question. So nurture would be the first to my mind as we have composition classes. But nature is an intrinsic factor, if the brain can store all the skills necessary to cast the magic of words, then it would be easy but if the brain cant, then I would think the person will face constipation of words when trying to write mind blowing sentences. And back to nurture, the person must be exposed to the galaxies of vocabulary available to boost the colors of his sentences.

However, I think that the shortest philosophical answers are the best. Therefore, It doesn't matter how magically you can weave your words, in the end, all that matters is how you use your words to get what you want.

I want another getaway to a peaceful beach where I can just lose track of the fourth dimension whilst being immersed in the serenity and the beams of life from the ever blazing sun. Where there would be no pesky distractions while I mull over and make the most important decisions of my life so far, not that it has been very long. Oh well, I guess my wisdom tooth wouldn't permit it anyway.

Theoretically, Its Possible but Practically, Its Doubtful

2010-06-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have 1 hour to spare till the next World Cup game so why not blog. I don't wanna sleep coz I know I won't wake up. It happened during the finals of the previous World Cup but I did watch that match in my dreams and call it a novice attempt at soothsaying but if I recall correctly, France won in my dream but Italy won in reality.

So I'm in college doing my summer school when I'm supposed to be enjoying my holiday by lazing around and getting my hands all over my guitar. This past week I had to drive up a stream of vehicles which drive so aggressively that its like fighting river rapids. Coupled with my car which won't accelerate when I want it to but accelerates when I don't want it to. I hate driving when the roads aren't clear because I don't have the mental power to focus on the road all the time and I think the brake pads on my car have been worn off till they are like sanitary pads trying to make four ferociously spinning circular pieces of vulcanized rubber stop.

However, I haven't been studying and I think you know what happened next. No lightbulbs lit up in my head for 1 question out of each of the 2 exams I took last week. So I was forced to blindly solve a calculus and a physics question although I didn't manage to find a way out and somehow collapsed due to mind-blankness during that question. I hope I answered the other questions well.

I also need to meet up with the other half of Chase in a musical setting to churn out new material for another songwriting competition that is looming in the horizon. Its a month since I came back and there has been no progress. This stagnancy is starting to worry me.

Time, time, time, time, if I could make you stop, rewind, fast forward, pause, and play as though you were my DVD player, I would be a happy, happy boy.

Platonic Life

2010-05-26T06:07:00.000-07:00

Since I came back, did nothing constructive, did nothing that I had in plan before coming back here, did nothing that I can be happy with, and did nothing related to Chase's musical pursuits apart from purging out some ideas that can hopefully be used or with an even lower possibility, be a hit. And 3 months is a pretty super freakingly short ass time to get all of these things done because I most probably not be coming back here in more than a year after I go back to the states.

And I guess after 1 and a half weeks, I'm starting to get used to college life. Not the waking up at 7 am part, but the part where I finally start to feel a little more comfortable.

I don't even feel like blogging. Well at least I've got something to look forward to, and I hope that it doesn't throw me down in the dumps.

The Jekyll In Hyde

2010-05-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

Never have I in my most sober state thought about writing a song that references a work of literature as I have no interest whatsoever in literary masterpieces. The language used is too convoluted for my understanding. They beat around the damn bush just like I do most of the time and due to my short attention and memory span, I forget what was read earlier, leading to not fully grasping the plot and important events in the story.

However, I guess the weirdest inspirations pop up at the weirdest times. The title of this post is the title of a song I just wrote. And guess when and where my brain decided to give birth to it? On the bus right after my Chem exam. Luckily it was not during my Chem exam or I wouldn't be able to concentrate. After all, if a pregnant woman has twins, she cant just pop the both of them out at the same time unless......(I'm not gonna say it). Same with my brain, it can't ejaculate 2 brainchilds at the same time. One has to come out first.

Aaaaaanyway, I'm pretty darn pleased with the way the song came out. Lyrics are better quality monkeyshit and its pretty catchy by my biased standards since I came up with it. I hope I can remember it till I reach home, if I don't, it isn't catchy. I guess it's about time I expand my lyrics to be about some random (insert any animal name here)shit.

And how could I forget to mention that my Finals are over!!! boomshakalakalaka. And I'll be able to step foot on the not so nice green grass of my home in 6 days. But first, I have to clean up my room and pack all my junk up into boxes and move them into storage. Ahhh, spring cleaning never smelt so bad. When the flowers bloom, I have to clean my room.

What If

2010-05-04T20:19:00.001-07:00

If is such a strong word. It is one of the words that gets me thinking. What if, what if what if.... If only, if only, if only... Oh wait, that leads to more of daydreaming than thinking. But technically, daydreaming is thinking since I am using my mind. Ah, who cares.

Anyway I am leaving this place in a little less than one week. Add two days to that and I'll touch down in Malaysia. Wakakaka.

Oh crap, I have nothing else off the top of my head to type about except for my hair. Hmmm. Can I substitute it with pictures because it seems a picture types a thousand words? It doesn't matter whether you say yes or no. I'm doing it anyway.

Here's a picture of the junk I use to record the demos. Please disregard the messiness.

Now, what if I had better recording devices? I guess the demos would still come out sucky because I have a duck's voice. I'm not even sure if I should ask you all to check them out but they are there(if you know where to find them) for your hearing displeasure/pleasure.

The Immature Nature of Maturity

2010-04-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

So I'm renegading on the statement in my previous post stating that the previous post was going to be the last for a while. Obviously it is not now that this post is born.

I feel as if I'm at my worst since my brain developed enough to store information about how I feel. I'm not like me at all. Frail, fragile, unconfident, depressed, weak, demotivated, easily pissed, and hungry. Screw this shit. Aimless awakeness when I'm much better off in deep slumber as I could hopefully get a little tiny winy weeny bit taller if I'm asleep.

Warping to something else that is totally unrelated to the above paragraphs, the disease called immaturity. I would expect people who are older than me to display a more refined sense of maturity in some aspects. Don't get me wrong I myself don't think I am mature, in terms of studies and decision making, and also the ever interesting topic related to anatomy, and my volcanic mouth which constantly spews vulgarity. So, if you are immature in those areas as well, its fine with me. I get annoyed by the people who are immature in terms of asking for help, mannerisms, respect, friendship, understandingness, consideration, knowing borderlines, self constraint, and the last one I can think of is regarding respecting people's relationships/potential relationships and this is the worst.

I'm sure you have experienced some if not all of them before. I guess I'll share some of mine. Imagine someone whom you have known for only a month calling you a f***er everytime you see each other. In my head I'm thinking wtf gives you the right to call me that, do you want my foot down your goddamn throat? Come on, if you are not too close to someone, don't piss that person off or annoy him/her.

Moving on to respect, being 2-5 years older than me doesn't mean that a person automatically gets my respect. In my opinion, we are of the same age group and therefore equal. If that person wants my respect, it has to be mutual. Either that or the person has done something I really look up to and salute. But for people more than 10 years older than me, they automatically get respect and it is only theirs to lose.

I guess understandingness, consideration, knowing borderlines and self constraint can fall under the same category. This is simple. Just use logic, think twice and of course consider the implications on everyone involved.

For friendship, just don't take your friends for granted and dump them when you get the opportunity to mix and hang out with new "cooler/more interesting" people. After all, your friends are the ones that are already tried and tested and won't be as likely to hurt you than a new untested product.

And the last part, being immature in dealing with other people's relationships. I guess some of us have been victims. Well, for some people, the process of courting is private. So don't go around prying that long, hard nose into their process as they will become shy and abruptly stop, effectively making you a cock block. Besides that, people don't give you a full frontal view of them peeing when they're sober do they? Privacy, privacy. If people wanted to make things public, they will do it themselves through facebook or their blogs or if you are real close then they will tell you themselves. So just wait patiently and don't go opening these unripe fruits.

Finally, I would like to add that I did not target this post towards anyone in particular. It is just a general response from the shallow experience I have accumulated over the years. It is also in a way a reminder to me in order to not be immature in those aspects. So if you feel targeted/displeased/touched by this post, please let me know and maybe we can talk some sense into each other.

I Wonder How, I Wonder Why.

2010-04-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

I missed a freaking FREE We The Kings concert yesterday on my college campus because I had to go listen to the author of 'Brokeback Mtn' read her memoir so that I can get extra credit for English.

So today I went for this Carnival Night thing which is meant for stress relief before dead week, the week before finals. They had a Battle of the Bands there and none really caught my fancy. They played original compositions but only some parts were good. And I waited in line for like more than an hour to get a funnel cake which is basically like lumped up churros and coated in lots of powdered sugar, and I'm pretty sure it is sugar instead of cocaine because it tastes sweet. But when I try to swallow a whole load of the funnel cake with a lot of sugar, my throat gets pain so I ended up throwing it away. So I probably ate only 30 mins worth of waiting.

Since finals is in a weeks time, I might take a break from ranting here for at least 20 days, which is how long more it is going to take for me to touch down in Malaysia! Awesome shizz. Family, friends, music, food, futsal, and probably pets?

So I guess my pseudo-final rant will be about communication between people or something along that lines. I am totally flabbergastedly flabbergasted by people who can seem to 'click' and get along so well in such a short period of time. I don't get it probably because I have never experienced it. I don't really believe in that kind of thing. And I also have no proper things to talk about. Such is the antisocial capabilities of my asymmetrical brain. I have never been totally accepting of people. It takes me centuries to open up to someone and the longer I know a person, the better. Its probably just me and my cautious minded way of thinking. But this also means that I value the bonds of friendship between me and my friends very highly, which probably explains why it was so hard to leave Malaysia and try to stretch those bonds with the aid of technology. It also probably explains why I feel so freaking depressed at times because I miss them, especially my family. I miss those trivial fights over trivial matters with my siblings, my countless fishes(used to be) and my 4 ninja turtles back home(sadly 2 have been naturally assassinated), the food, my bunk bed, my awesome guitars and amp and drum set, my TV, and the scoldings my parents throw on me whenever I fail to study or fail to achieve satisfactory marks in exams(although I hate it like hell). I may not seem to care sometimes but I really do care about their well being.

I also have to remove the weeds of doubt in my mind.

I Have Your Name Etched On My Heart

2010-04-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Don't worry this is not going to be an emo post.

OK Go! has the coolest music videos I have seen. Just go YouTube Here It Goes Again (The Treadmill Video) and This Too Shall Pass(Rube Goldberg Version). Actually, both versions of This Too Shall Pass are good.

I can't wait to go back. Less than 4 more weeks!!!! 1 more exam. 2 more weeks and then its the finals. Gahh stupid exams. I only have 20 questions and a 90% is an A. *toot(imagine my combo of expletives here)*

And finally after a long period of dormancy, my futsal shoes have been put to use 2 days in a row. And I hope they are not crying because I wore them on a football field instead of . a futsal court. The fields here are so big and nice, not like the swamp opposite my secondary school. The only thing is, its slippery with the futsal shoes so the first day, I took them off and played barefoot. It was slippery as well, but not as much. However the horrible thing is that my left foot got stepped on with studs twice which leaves my three middle tiny little toes bruised, my biggest toe bleeding before the toenail, and 2 patches of missing skin. So, the second day, which was just now, I had to wear my shoes. And they are white so they got a little dirty. I slipped and fell twice but lost footing everytime I tried to quickly change directions. Oh well, I guess those eels of shoes are taking revenge on me. Also, luckily my face did not get smashed by and footballs this time, so no scars, wakakaka. Although yesterday my kidney and the most important place which should be guarded and that would hurt like hell raised should it get hit hard, got hit by footballs. Hard.

The thought of going back to study has been constantly plaguing my mind and I'm fluctuating between 50 - 70% of wanting to go back, so much for being a bipolar bear. I have reasons for both, but we'll see how it goes. It's definitely going to be a life-changing decision, one I cannot make a U-turn from.

Its also getting so hot here, almost like Malaysia but with a more stubborn Sun which refuses to go to sleep even when its after 8 pm. And the moon seems bigger here than in Malaysia. But the blooming flowers that make the trees colorful are a nice sight to see. Instead of green and brown trees, we have purple, white, red, and yellow instead of the normal green. And also, since it's so hot and my room doesn't have an air-cond, I sleep topless, which is what I am going to do right now. If you are imagining it, please imagine me being fit and good looking although you are probably going to be disappointed in real life. But hey, that's what imagination is for right? To add flair and beauty to the ugly truth, to keep us sane, to reduce the impact of being hit by horrible reality, to be a temporary getaway from the stress and pressures of life, and to give us hope when we think that all is lost; by removing the im from impossible. I just realized that in a way it is dreaming when you are awake, the only difference being that you can control it. Oh well, I'm going to sleep now and hopefully get an epiphanic dream, if not, an awesome one will do.

The Chaos Within

2010-04-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

Tuesdays are awesome because I am done with classes at 1.30 and get the rest of the day to waste. So I figured I'll post something here instead of lazing around.

Time seems to go so slowly. I wish the 5 weeks can go by like a Lamborghini Reventon instead of the Kancil it seems to be in right now. But with projects and exams, around each corner, I think the Kancil isn't that bad of a choice either.

I just realized that the paragraph above proves again the unrest in my mind. Indecision. I am undecided over so many things. When I finally decide, I become hesitant. I need a mental tranquilizer to calm my hyperactive volcano of a mind, thinking about what ifs all the time. As I edge closer and closer to the point of no return, I should probably make up my mind about all these things, before I cross the final U-turn opportunity.

I want a Kaoss Pad or X/Y Pad. Now don't think wrongly, they are not brands of sanitary pads. They are basically the same thing but the X/Y Pad is an awesome audio/visual add-on to any electric guitar. Matt Bellamy of Muse used it in the concert and coupled with his pro guitar skills, it was awesome. But since I my guitar playing sucks, I think the X/Y pad would be able to draw some attention away from that. The Kaoss Pad is more of an external effect.

I want to learn how to do this as well.

Oh shit. Wasted too much time on this post. Time to murder some time and homework.

6 Weeks, 5 Demos, 4 a.m., 3 Months, 2 Exams, 1 Flight!

2010-03-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

That title took me a long time to come up with. Maybe it's because I'm so drained of sleep and running on a Monster Energy Drink again.

Its 6 weeks till I can finally go home!! Hell yeah. Can't wait to go back and do all the things I'm so deprived of here.

So over the remainder of spring break, I managed to record 5 demos (and a sucky cover). Only 2 are released though, since they all need reworking which will happen once I touch down in Malaysia and can finally meet up with my partner in rock for his mindbusting input.

4 a.m is the time I went to bed yesterday or more technically today. Gah, English essay draft which I was supposed to be working on partly but did some demos instead. So it's an inactive mind for today which means no Muay Thai although I might consider going to the gym after being away from it for more than a week.

I'll also be back for 3 months. Waaaay longer than the 2 weeks I had during the transition period from last year to this year. So, I have this evil genius musician plan of converting a room in my house into a jamming/recording place but that will need a will of steel, truckloads of those egg holders, carpets, sponges, anything soft and sound absorbent, adhesives, refurbishing my drum set, cleaning up the room, and finally, kicking procrastination away and get to work on the room. Looks and sounds unappealing already. And, three months is a short time.

I still have to slay 2 exams before I can even look forward to going back home with joy.

And that 1 flight will make me shiver for 36 whole freaking hours with the anticipation of finally being able to absorb the high amounts of heat back in Malaysia. But most importantly, being reunited with my family members and also friends.

Ah I should go take a nap or go do homework. But I have this feeling I will eventually write some lyrics. Because I know I want to.

Oh, and to you who are having exams, good luck!

Scream! Where are the Brakes of Time?

2010-03-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

I tried my voice at a screamo song just now and it sounded like constipato. Looks like my screamo aspirations are dashed. Oh well, I could try learning it properly but it might turn out sounding like diarrhoeamo. Too bad the song that was composed with some screamo in mind has to settle with lame ass singing all the way.

I'm more than halfway through Spring break. I wonder if time has brakes anywhere. 1 week is too short!!! Got an English essay to write and a podcast too.

I went on an awesome road trip for 4 days though and my, it was fun, ass numbing, voice killing, heart pounding, ear smashing and more. I think we drove almost 2000 km. Sat in the car for like 4-6 hours at a time. And the GPS we rented decided to die so we had to make a detour. But after that, nohting else untoward happened. Let me illustrate with pictures.

The GPS died here. (I think)

Detoured to here for a new GPS. I had no idea where the hell was this.

Hello first destination. Roller Coaster Galore!

Whoops I didn't exactly take pics of all the roller coaster carriages I'll try to illustrate with words to then.

Superman!! The most fun roller coaster. Look at the people, its like kneeling down on all fours in midair and flying like superman.

Batman. Its sitting upright but the chair is hanging and nothing is below your feet. This was fun as hell too. Dizzying though due to the sharp turns.

The yellow track is called scorcher and its a standing roller coaster. There is just something like a bicycle seat and we were supposed to stand up. I don't know what is the use of the seat. Make balls pain only.
The orange track is the mother of all Roller coasters I have sat in before. Its name is Goliath. Sitting on this was like being on a highway to hell and my friends made me sit it twice with them. Its like a 5-7 second drop and feels like 90 degrees. I like loops but drops are just scary. And, there are no shoulder restrictors. Just something on the laps.

Mindbender. It just sounds and looks scary but is fun. Except for the end where it suddenly brakes and I hit my head real hard on the headrest. I don't think it gave me a concussion though.

3 other coasters were closed because it was too cold. 2 wooden ones and I really wanted to experience a wooden coaster. The other one looked amazing as hell due to the amount of loops and turns.

Next up, Georgia Tech. Campus in the city.

A Georgia Tech building.

And then.

I'd definitely love it in the World of Coca Cola.

OK, moving on to Nashville. Home of country. I didn't get to meet Taylor Swift though.

Tennesee is surely a musical haven. After all even Graceland is here.

OK, now to end it with a bang.

The Muse concert.

It was AWESOME. But as my friends said, they should have engaged the crowd more. The drummer just said hi and bye.

So I've been busy tinkering around with the guitar and POD Studio I bought. It definitely feels great to be able to burn my fingertips on the strings of a guitar once again. Hopefully I'll get new demos and covers up by the time Spring Break is over.

No, I Don't Wanna Wait Forever. But if You Asked Me To, I Would

2010-03-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

Just give me a good reason.

Wow, Its March already. Spring has blossomed and kicked Winter away. It feels darn good to be able to wear just a t-shirt, shorts and slippers outside. Sometimes I wonder if time accelerates and decelerates. In the words of the great Albert Einstein himself, "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity". So, I guess the acceleration pedal is in our heads?

1 more exam paper to go which is Rocket Science. Physics really, but it's like Rocket Science. 2 down already and I hope the darn results don't come out till after my holidays which starts next week. Cant wait for the Muse concert. Holy shit I'm gonna get my auditory senses blown away.

I had 2 unposted posts between this post and my previous one. I don't feel like posting them since they are so depressing. But since I'm basically running on Monster right now due to absolute tiredness, this post won't be so sad. I probably developed a tolerance to Coke and now I need something more powerful like Monster or Rockstar to fuel my day when I lack the usual fuel, sleep.

OK, so I was doing a practice Chem exam just now. And it was easy as peasy. Out of nowhere, the urge to compose music and a new demo. So I kinda did half of it. But I can't sing, so I guess the demo has to wait till I am somehow, sometime miraculously able to sing without the Donald Duck voice. Oh, and the exam raped my mind. I could do all the problems but it was way harder, more difficult, and required more noodle processing power. So I'm basically drained right now when I should be studying physics. But here I am, blogging. Maybe I should blog about quarks and gluons as boring as they may sound.

Its time to transfer energy into my body through the heat of hot water so that I can study physics physically and not in my dreams.

18

2010-02-23T20:57:00.000-08:00

I'm finally able to cross the border of legality without having to be an illegal immigrant anymore(At least in Malaysia). But,I've got to wait 3 more years here. But with a greater arsenal of drinks to choose from back home, comes greater responsibility. I am eligible to be thrown in jail if I do anything wrong! But more importantly, I am an adult now. Sadly though. I'm not up for shouldering the extra responsibility but it has already been placed on my shoulders and even head. Damn, got to give serious thought to my major choice and other petty stuff. And, I now don't need my parents to sign the forms for the sports clubs where it says should I get injured or kick the bucket, no one will blame them. Hello skydiving, bye bye money.

Anyway, I read something on a paper on the cubicle door while taking a dump. It talked about making a list of everything you want to accomplish in life. Basically your dreams and goals. I have many things I want to do. But they are all scattered in my head, playing hide and seek with me. So I should list them down on paper so that they don't keep changing their hiding places.

Oh, and I hope that now that I'm an adult, I don't need so much sleep. Hopefully 6 hours of sleep can make my engines roar loud enough to perform like a sports car throughout the day.

New Year, New Run of Luck

2010-02-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

This year so far I've been plagued by bad luck. Since Jan 1st, not since CNY. First of all, my laptop died, which is why I haven't rambled here in a while. Then I borrowed my friend's laptop and that needs to be placed in the ICU now. I cant get my laptop revived here. I have to send it back to Malaysia because it seems that its an international model and they don't have the parts here. The shipping costs itself can buy almost 3/4 of a new laptop or a cheap guitar+amp.

Besides that, I've been in a stoning depression state most of the time here. Even with 9 hours of sleep, I don't feel like doing anything. Probably because I miss my family back home. Well I probably wouldn't be interacting much with them now if I were back home but at least I can just go to any of them whenever I feel like it. Here, no chance of that happening because that would mean me running, walking, climbing, swimming and crawling more than 9000 miles to see any of them face to face.

Exams were horrible. I still got marks that weren't too bad but I made toooooo many careless mistakes.

And there's one more thing but I don't think I should bring it up coz 2 and a quarter paragraphs of ranting about my bad luck is boring enough.

But hey, I'm gonna go home in 2 and a half months. Awesome shizz to look forward to. Got to do recording for real this time.

Hmm and I still have time to decide on my major and my future career so I guess I'll do that. Lets see. Unrealistic options? Rockstar, rockstar, rockstar, actor, Prime Minister, rockstar. Yeah, those pretty much sound unrealistic. The realistic options are so unattractive though. Ugly enough that I don't feel like listing them down here. But if I really change my major to something really extreme from what I am doing right now, it would be 1 or 2 years wasted depending when I decide to change.

All these crap led me to think about why weren't we stamped with our death dates on our asses? Just say if I find out that I am going to die in 2012 for sure, I wouldn't be studying. I'd be enjoying myself, doing things I've wanted to like skydiving, bungee jumping, snowboarding, and all those other Adrenalin arousing activities. Oh shit, my thinking is screwed up as well. Bad luck, bad luck.

Ok, I'm off to go research on which laptop to get and if you read this and are laughing your ass off comparing your good luck to my bad luck, and feel better or are smiling right now, I'm happy for you. But only if you feel better or are smiling.

Caught Inside The Memories And Promises Of Yesterdays

2010-01-26T20:32:00.001-08:00

Never be the same by Red is not a bad song. People call them Christian Rock but I see that song as a power ballad. Well, we're entitled to our own interpretations.

So, last week, I was peeing at my floor's public toilet urinal and we have these weekly updated papers showing the weather forecast, upcoming events, comic strips, quotes and some other information. So it listed the top ten new years resolutions made by college students. One of them was "Approach the girl/guy you like". I wouldn't have that as a resolution, it'll be a life goal. Usually when I wanna approach strangers, especially females and since I'm shy, I'll just count till 3 and in my head, say it and then just go up and say Hi, leaving myself no chance of retreat, escape or surrender. But when it comes to some chick I'm interested in, I'd just overthink my approach and then screw up because I thought about it too much and she got up and left. Oh well, I just hope that the phrase 'second chances don't come twice' is not true.

Besides that, I don't think I've been acting like a college student lately, I've been more like a sleazebag, lazing around, occupying myself with doing nothing at all. The weather isn't helping either. Deters my weak intention to go to the Nanotech Center and ask if there is a job opening.

I frankly don't know what I want my life to turn out like. I don't want to move ahead. But change is the only permanent thing in our lives. And it can't be resisted. I think each stage of life has its pros and cons and it is up to us to put more weight on either one. I have second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on thoughts about my major of choice, whether I made the right decision to come here, things I should done but never did, and who did I affect by coming here. I have those thoughts everyday. I do value some people's lives more than mine and I'd put their interests before mine most of the time.

But first, I have to wake up early to do laundry tomorrow. I'm out of clean socks.

5cm/s

2010-01-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

It's the only anime that I have watched among the very very few that I've watched to have a realistic and sad ending. Oh well, I don't want my life to end up like that.

I forced my ass to go to a callout yesterday. Quite satisfied with that as I was contemplating not going and to continue rotting on my chair. The club seems fun but I'm not sure whether I would want to be able to fit it in my schedule. It would mean that I have 3 consecutive club activities on Tuesdays, from 6.30 till 10. I'll see what happens.

I need to get a job. I'll ask tomorrow. But thats what I have been saying for the past 4 months.

But first, I will need a good night's sleep and sweet dreams, hopefully part 3. Goddamn 7.30 class tomorrow and the day after. My timetable really makes me go WTF after Monday and Tuesday.

Dreams. If I Could Stay in Dreamland, I Would.

2010-01-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

I woke up from the best dream I had in a long time. And it was a continuation from yesternight's dream. I just hope that I had slept longer.

Gahh, I'm so messed up I don't know where to start. Oh well, I just did. I don't feel like doing anything other than lament about my pathetic self being such an idiot in the past and present. Basically in a permanently temporary state of emo. I never would have thought that that event would have such a profound effect on my mood. But then again, I'd rather think that it is because I really miss most of the things back home.

I do want to meet new people and at least get to know someone new, a hot chick preferably. But I know that something is holding me back. Got to break free of that sometime soon. I also don't know where on Earth my self esteem and confidence went. Got to get those 2 up and running as well.

Aih, miserable, miserable life. And it is not helped at all when I look at my recommended subjects to take for the next 2 semesters given that I get accepted into Biomed Engineering. Bio this, bio that, physiology, transfer of stuff in the human body. Gahh. I think I'll be able to cope, I just don't know whether I would be able to have a life. But doing the approximated math, I should have loads of free time. 168 hours in a week, 54 spent on studies, 56 on sleep, 11 hours eating, 14 hours of transportation, and that leaves me with 33 hours free. Around 4 and a half hours a day. And I spend half of that lazing around. Damn damn damn.

Procrastination, you are evil. This is not how I wanted my life to turn out. Succumbing to you was the worst damn mistake I made. Because of you I have so many regrets. It seems you were somehow programmed into my head. So technically you are a part of me. I'm looking for the delete button so that I can delete you. Somehow it seems that I deleted the delete button. I fight and get hit because it seems like punishment for all these mistakes. But it is not enough. I really wish that I had procrastinated accepting procrastination into my head, But that would not be possible without procrastination in my head first I guess. See, even talking about you makes me talk ridiculously.

OK, I should procrastinate writing more till the next time.

I Don't Do Things I Plan To Do

2010-01-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

Time is going by so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you
Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of it to you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone
I'll hold you till the hurt is gone

And now, as long as I can
I'm holding on with both hands
Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out
I'll hold you till the hurt is gone

You've gotta live every single day
Like it's the only one
What if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away
Could be our only one
You know it's only just begun
Every single day
Maybe our only one
What if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by so much faster than I
I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out
I'll hold you till the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there all the way
I won't be missing one more day
I'm gonna be there all the way
I won't be missing one more day

-Nickelback

Most of the first paragraph was how I felt before I left. I was supposed to post this before I left but then again, time is passing by so much faster than I.

If you want to think that half of that some was dedicated to you, go ahead. I hope it makes u feel better. But if you ask me whether that was meant for you, I'd probably be a nice-ass hypocrite and say yes although it is not entirely true. I might say no though, it depends on the alignment of the stars with my forehead. However, if you tell me why you think part of that song was dedicated to you, let me know your argument and I might just change my stance.

Skipping on to more trivial matters, I missed my goddamn flight from Washington to Indy due to immigration taking more than 4 hours. So I had to wait in line for a replacement ticket in the United Customer Service counters for 2 and a half or 3 hours. Slept in the airport and missed my very first class. Reached my dorm at about 1 and ate half a pop tart and rushed to 1.30 calculus class. Well, OK, I admit I did reach late, but not late enough to miss the important part of the class.

And, now I don't feel like getting a guitar here. I'm not willing to pay for a guitar and an amp plus I could do with less distractions and more activities. The only shit I can fill on a sheet requesting for college activities is Tae Kwon Do and Thai Boxing, no positions held too. Besides, there is not much inspiration for lyrics nowadays with the stress avalanche waiting to be released. I'm better off smashing tennis rackets till they deform or break and also piercing tennis balls or deep freezing them in liquid nitrogen and dropping them to the ground.

You Build Me Up And Knock Me Down

2010-01-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

I'm running out of time. Leaving in 3 days. Ohh mannnn...that sucks and I'm not looking forward to it.. The cold, the 7.30 classes, the packed buses where scents mix and personal bubbles are intruded, and the non-homefeeling food. Oh well, I should reflect and see if I should get a kick in the ass.

The good things are :
I ate most of the food I was dying for.
Met my family and friends
I got 2 and possibly 3 decent games of futsal.
Had a jamming session
Held my guitars and played them
Drove a bit
Got to wear clothes I feared would deform and deteriorate if I washed them myself
Completed the whole of Halo 3 in a few hours
Had a party

Bad things:
Didn't record any songs
Didn't write any new songs
Didn't go out as much as I wanted to
Slept too much, but I like my sleeping time, its like temporary death and all troubles are gone
My almost non-existent tennis skills became extinct
One more thing

And I'm contemplating stopping writing lyrics for a while because I'm not satisfied with the quality of those I wrote and also, there only seems to be 2 recurring themes whenever I try to write, death and the opposite sex. They make up 7 unreleased sets of lyrics but those are not things I want to keep writing about. I thought about writing about the highest being that most people believe made everything, but I can't write about something I tried to believe in yet never fully believed in.

The Post before I get my Ass on a Plane Home

2009-12-19T21:46:00.000-08:00

Ok my ass will finally touch the seat of a plane in approximately 7 hours. And then begins my excruciatingly long painstaking journey of 9816 miles of flight and 33 hours and 45 minutes of flight and transit time till I can finally set foot in the country I was born. The nation of food. My first instinct would be Bak Kut Teh. And then I'll see what comes along. Hopefully Teng Huei and I can get to record all the demos by the time my time in Malaysia is up.

Well, I'll see you all on Tuesday!

Strong, Cold Winds

2009-12-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

Animals As Leaders songs = Auditory orgasms.

Hell yeah, 10 more days till I get my ass on a plane home. Leaving for home is as easy as sitting down but I think when I'm about to leave home to come back here, my ass would seem like its anchored to the bottom of an ocean.

Today I woke up to shitty weather. Strongest winds I've seen without rain. And it snowed. There were like mini tornadoes and I could hear the wind and see the leaves moving in spirals. Trees were trembling. I think the wind was like 30 mph. And its just the tip of the iceberg. I admit I did feel like skipping class but in the end, I was encouraged to 'man up' and go to class since it isn't so bad yet. The walkways were slippery and I lost my footing at least 3 times. Luckily I didn't fall and even luckilyer I didn't have my laptop in my bag.

Hmm, what else. coming here is like martial arts heaven. Apart from the normal Tae-Kwon Do and Karate, there is Muay Thai which I'm in, Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu which I was thinking of joining and looking for back in Malaysia but couldn't find any but now that I've seen ppl do it and also wrestling, I don't think I wanna do it coz it looks gay literally, there's also judo, kendo, fencing, hapkido, aikido, the other kidos and the coolest is ninjitsu. Haven't seen and Kung Fu ones yet though.

See you guys in 12 days.

No More Need for a Decision that Would Feel as if it Were Straight Out of a Drama

2009-12-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

Of all days the snow decided to fall, it had to be yesterday when I was wearing my suit. I walked out of the dorm, saw the bus at the bus stop, saw the bus leave, cursed, felt the wind blow through my thin slacks and freeze my lower body and then saw real snow for the first time. So, I waited in the cold for another bus. Well it snowed again today but this time I had my thick jacket ready and it was still cold(-2 degrees Celsius and will only get worse).

Ok, so I think the rate of my blogging has been decreasing because I finally kinda decided on my major choice, which is what I intended for my blog to be anyway. I'm sticking with what I came here intending to do in the first place, because no matter what major I choose, I'll still have to bear with things I don't like and its like I'm just looking at a bowl of bak kut teh that doesn't look tasty but I haven't put my tongue to it yet so I won't know how it tastes like.

Hmm, what else can I rant about. Favourite TV show maybe. Well, I do enjoy some which has comedy in it like Reaper and Chuck, but I have to say One Tree Hill is my favourite. I don't think I can relate to any of the characters but their quotes about life are good, not that I stand by those quotes. For example, "take a look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see looking back? Is it the person you wanted to be or is there someone else you were meant to be, the person you should have been but fell short of?". Besides, that Jamie is a genius of a kid. I would like for my kid/kids to turn out like that if I have any.

Last week has been crappy. 2 group projects due and one group speech. Well at least this week wont be so bad and next week is finals, then the week after that I'll get to go back. And I received 2 good news over the past week. One of them being that I can stay in Malaysia for an extra day. I know its not much but it better than nothing. I hope the other one stays a good news and it comes true.

Examinations are the Modern Form of Torture

2009-12-01T18:26:00.000-08:00

I'm as tired as a tired duck. The utter ridiculosity in the sentence before this proves it. Well, duck popped into my mind first because of this picture.

Maybe next time when I wanna use the Fword I'll just use this .

Exams in 3 weeks and its stressing me out a little but I can forsee the stress crashing into me like the meteor that crashed into Earth and wiped out the poor ugly dinosaurs but probably led to the conception and survival of humans.

So, what do I do when the exams are coming nearer. I look at exam questions. I read the questions. I read the answers. I laugh till my eyes are just like this (- -) and then it becomes like this (TT). Go google failed exam answers, funny shit. The first 3 links are pretty good.

And I got those pics from http://www.masalatime.com/?p=419

Jealousy, Turning Saints Into The Sea

2009-11-29T21:26:00.001-08:00

I survived a 3 day, lack-of-sleep trip to Chicago, and then slept for 12 hours for 2 consecutive nights. If you come to the states, try to NOT take the Greyhound bus. BAD experiences it gave me. I enjoyed the architecture in Chicago. Way better than what we usually see in Malaysia.

Ok, back to the title taken from a line by The Killers. I get jealous of guys dating hot chicks because I turn to my sides and see nothing. Thats not all though. But I think jealousy is the indirect reason I don't have any role models. Yeah, I was basically screwed whenever interviewers or exam questions asked me who I looked up to. You see, I am self-proclaimed to have an ego as big as a fully filled hot air balloon or even larger and I see other successful people as threats, competitors and their achievements seem to belittle me, making me feel inferior(unless that person is my relative or friend). And now, people place so much importance on group work. Well, egos will clash and hypocrisy filters and firewalls will be set to a maximum. Are we gonna be sellouts?, ignoring our basic, animalistic instincts in favor of the idealistic ways of the supposedly civilized humans?

It is a dog eat dog world and if we can kill people and get away with it scot-free, we will do it. But since we will get killed if we kill someone, we try to bring people down in other ways. Look at the education system, they put us in classrooms, telling us to be nice and friendly but yet they have positions in the class which is much like the survival of the fittest. The top student gets the praise, recognition and rewards as if it was like the fittest predator gets the good meat. I won't talk about the working world because I have zero experience in that.

Oh, and one guy I am jealous of is Wang Lee Hom, who gets the chicks, has the brains and the musical talent. I won't say he is good looking though. It is a sin for a guy to say that another guy is good looking.

Sometimes We Just Have To Let Some Things Go

2009-11-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

Life just has to kick me when I'm down.

I think I can tell when I'm feeling down. I drink Coke like nobody's business, I feel tired, I cant focus, I allow myself to be put in dangerous situations, and I don't feel like doing anything but stone all day. I don't think those are due to a lack of sleep.

This calls for a forced drastic direction change in the plot of my life. No new beginnings because I would have to die and get reborn which I doubt will happen. Most of my life hasn't gone the way I wanted it to and I guess the biggest detour will be happening soon. As much as I don't want it to happen, its probably inevitable.

The Vicious Cycle Continues

2009-11-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Old habits die hard.

This is the first time here that I have a bad feeling about an exam. Its like back in Secondary School where I used to score high in the pointless assessments and then flunk big time on the mid term and finals because I was overconfident and slacked. Same shit happening now.

Its depressing to know it and yet do nothing about it. I don't know why I never learn my lesson. Useless piece of crap. I just hope it doesn't all fall apart from now on or I would find myself having to make a tough decision. This is just the first semester and first semesters are supposed to be easy.

Moving on to something happier. My band's blog/website is http://chase-the-band.blogspot.com. More info can be found there. Its basically lyrics and some songs.

Can You Take It All Away, Like You Used To?

2009-11-11T17:31:00.000-08:00

So many crossroads to contemplate now. There is like one crossroad in every aspect of my life that matters to me. Choose this or choose that. And each damn decision will set my life in a different direction and it would be a waste of time and money to turn around and try to take the other decision. I'm still too young for this shit man. I'm having second thoughts of having children because as happy as they make me, I don't want them to grow up and have to face this shit and have the rays of sunshine emitted by them be replaced with the depressing suction of a black hole.

Oh well, I guess I just have to do these things anyway, even if I really don't want to. Choose a major being the most important. Then its whether I should continue here or go back. The rest are now trivial..its whether I should get music gear here. And then its whether to work real hard to improve my fighting.

I only know that I need a break and to record like 10 demos. 6 weeks, 6 weeks.

Where are you my pillar of strength? The only one who can pull me up when everyone else is pushing me down. It seems like there is the Grand Canyon between us now. Maybe it has always been, but I lied to myself and said that there wasn't. Have you given up on me?

Dear Agony, Just Let Go Of Me

2009-11-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

Breaking Benjamin's new album is good.

Anyway theres not much posts lately because my mind is just too tired to come up with things to think about. And besides, I've been busy with many other things and mainly I've been preferring to write lyrics and let Teng Huei the 'chord god' come up with the chords to them since I don't have a guitar here. Well, they are somewhere on the internet and not that hard to find really.

I finally got my ass kicked during the Tae Kwon Do tournament on Saturday. No excuses this time. I just wasn't good enough to last 2 whole rounds totaling only 3 minutes. I pretty much got exhausted at 1.10 mins.Not the wake up call I expected though. It only gave me another sub-goal. Get a medal in tae kwon do. But it was good self-punishment though for all the shit I gave people and myself.

And the KISS Concert on Friday night was awesomely mind blowing. Worth the money and the journey. Besides, I got to see the Sears Tower and be in the United Center which is the home of the Chicago Bulls, my favourite basketball team because the concert was held there. They are old and yet manage to put on a good show. Their solo moments were good and they had a good stage setup and showmanship, pyrotechnics, smoke, snow-like effect and a finale full of fireworks. They also played a really really long encore. Paul Stanley described it as the longest encore you will ever experience. And I like his quote. "You came here tonight to escape the trouble of the world but tomorrow when you wake up in the morning, the world is gonna be as screwed as it is tonight.". Hell yeah, damn true.
Their opening act, Buckcherry was also good.

Hell yeah, at the home of the Chicago Bulls.

KISS babeh, K freaking I S S

Buckcherry got the audience to whip out their cellphones, lighters, basically anything that had light.

Bang My Head Against The Wall

2009-11-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed with myself. What an idiot. I knew that I would regret not doing it and I didn't do it anyway. Might as well rip off my balls because they aren't being balls because I didn't have the balls to do it. Arrhhh I just feel like hitting something or getting hit. Maybe I'll just join the Tae Kwon Do tournament to get my ass kicked as punishment. Dammit. Opportunities like that don't come along every other day. And I still haven't learnt to seize them. Damndamndamn. I don't want to accept the excuses I give myself anymore. I need a kick in the butt. I need someone to guide me. But I think what I need most is confidence. Ok I'm off to go continue banging my head against the wall.

What Makes Live Shows so Good?

2009-11-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

There is a 99% chance that I am gonna go watch KISS live on Friday. And it seems their live shows are really good. Pyrotechnics, Costumes, and Stunts.

I have to admit I'm not that much of a fan of KISS but it was too good an opportunity to turn down.

So I guess I'm going to see their showmanship because I hardly know the lyrics to any of their songs. Go there, Headbang. Hell yeah.

This boils down to the question. Good songs or good showmanship? I'd choose both, but if I could only choose one or my balls would be chopped off, I would choose good showmanship. Songs can be edited with computers while showmanship is unique. Even if the singing is mediocre, good, enthusiastic showmanship can get the crowd going. My bet is people just wanna go and release stress by headbanging and maybe getting to know some chicks.

And I want a freaking channa bleheri or rainbow toman in layman's terms. Its like a toman with fighting fish colorings. Thats cool as hell. 2 of the fishes I have owned before in one. The only downside is that it is probably gonna be real expensive because I haven't seen it back home.

7 weeks to 7th heaven

2009-10-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm probably gonna waste 20 mins on this post, meaning I'll sleep at 1.

So in 7 weeks, my first semester abroad will come to an end. Closing in on the horizon and I'm looking forward to it. Seeing my family, meeting my old friends, and of course eating nasi lemak and bak kut teh. Oh, and also jamming, maybe even recording. We'll see about that.

However, I don't think I'll enjoy my whole time back. Nothing is perfect. I can forsee some stress, and some decisions to be made. Which will make me depressed and emo because all I really want is a goddamn break from stress. I want 3 weeks of fun-filled, carefree activities. Yeah, stress keeps me going but too much stress makes me go on and on until my tyres wear out.

See you in 7 weeks then. By then my driving skills would have de-leveled so much.

This Isn't a Suicide Note

2009-10-29T19:34:00.001-07:00

I just feel like apologizing for the things I have done wrong and the hurt I have caused some people.

If I some of my stupid actions and decisions have made you angry, I'm sorry.

If the unfiltered words I have said hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.

If I hit you, accidentally or purposely, I'm sorry.

If I ever ignored you, I'm sorry.

If I have scolded you for no reason, I'm sorry.

If I argued with you over trivial reasons and it affected you somehow, I'm sorry.

If I never replied some of your calls/messages, I'm sorry.

If I gave too many excuses, I'm sorry.

If I never kept promises, I'm sorry.

If I broke promises, I'm sorry.

If I pestered you too much, I'm sorry.

If I fell asleep while messaging, I'm sorry

If I didn't listen to you when I should, I'm sorry.

Well, I will probably add to this list sometime in the far future.

But if I missed out something and you really want me to apologize, tell me.

If you accept my apology and want to tell me, feel free to do so.

If you don't accept my apology, you can tell me too.

Thats basically what I wanted to say.

Had to get them off my chest.

So damn tired lately.

Lack of sleep.

Bye.

Can we fast forward till you go down on me?

2009-10-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

Awesome line from New Perspective.

Anyway, today is the first time in a few weeks that I actually woke up feeling good and ready to go. No, its not because I dreamt of a hot chick. That was yesterday. I have no idea why but I'm not complaining either. I finished most of my homework yesterday, and there is an exam tomorrow. Hopefully next week wouldn't be as bad.

I have a feeling I'm gonna be uncomfortable with the poster of Megan Fox above me after I watch Jennifer's Body.

When Things Go In Opposite Directions

2009-10-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

Crap. Panic At The Disco is now Panic! At The Disco minus Ryan Ross and the bassist whom I think is Jon Walker. And that news is 3 months old. I'm such a slowpoke. Ryan and Jon formed The Young Veins.

So it seems the reason for their departures is creative differences(I wonder if that has been used as reason for a divorce). And from what I can see from their new works, yeah it was true. New Perspective and Oh Glory by Panic sounds more upbeat, more like their first album. The Young Veins, on the other hand, adopted The Beatles' musical style. So yeah, those two sounds are totally different. I prefer Panic though.

Enough random celebrity facts.

OK, so what I got from the career counseling is that there is no specific area that meets my Interests, Abilities and Values. Damnnn. I am one disoriented person. Time Out? Nah, I had a 8 month break before coming here.

It seems that my Values fit the Medical field while my Interests and Abilities fit the Engineering and Technical fields. BOTH are minor problems though. I dislike reading textbooks all the time, memorizing stuff. And I dislike math due to my carelessness. I kinda prefer bio and chem to physics. And I guess I'll be able to do well in math. So its like a question of whether I wanna do all the damn memorizing or trying hard to solve complex calculations. Oh, and I hate anything to do with programming and statistics. Numbers are little, dreadful things.

I have no clue on what to do. No epiphanies in my dreams, just hot chicks. And I'm too busy to think about a solution.

This week is the most dreadful week I have experienced all year. Felt like shit since last week. I'm basically a walking zombie due to a lack of sleep. My piss has a greenish tint. Homework as high as Gunung Kinabalu.

OK. I'm off to have warm, colorless, odorless liquid crash down on my hair and my skin which will be covered in lime green gel.

And then it will be time to tackle my homework, butt on.

Kit-Kat, Anyone?

2009-10-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I can't help but feel that the quality of my posts are declining at such a high rate that it could be at the bottom of the Mariana Trench in seconds. Maybe because I've been feeling like shit all week.

Damn, I could surely use a break from this world. Meditate while freezing my ass off on the peak of Mt. Everest, doing the worm all the way along the Great Wall of China, take part in a big fight, or go bungee jumping in the Grand Canyon. I just want temporary escapades, away from all this shit from time to time.

Beneath my reckless, expletive-laden exterior shell probably lies a fragile core. It's just like my heart which I claim to be made of glass..or was it ice? Ah, who gives a shit, they are almost similar anyway.

Once my shell starts to chip and crack, leaving my core exposed, thats when everything starts to go wrong. Giving up easiliy, shying away from challenges, not wanting to take risks and don't feel like doing anything at all. And thats when I fall.

The world pushes me down all the time.
She used to pull me back up,
But we never had a lot to talk about.

I guess I have to start using my own inner strength instead of sourcing it from other people.

We all Struggle Against our Inner Demons

2009-10-24T10:23:00.001-07:00

If we win, we climb the ladder to success. If we lose, we fall into the pits of despair.

My own inner demons are in the form of procrastination, being easily distracted, ignorance, self-centrism, laziness, lack of motivation, not being able to accept things I don't want to and also not being able to set my priorities straight.

And I am not doing anything to conquer them.

I guess that everytime I fell, the pain wasn't excruciating enough to make me feel like I should overcome these inner demons.

Addicted to Addiction

2009-10-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

Its been a busy and bittersweet week. Exams and some other stuff...

I've been addicted to Cafe World recently. But its not as bad as my Coke addiction. Hey, if I could restrain my urge to drink coke all the time. I sure as hell can prevent my fingers form clicking on some stoves. I had 2 dozen cans of coke in my room since classes started in August and now there are like 16 left. That is such an achievement compared to high school where I used to drink coke at least once every 2 days.

If only I could stop my bad habits and restrain my bad personality traits that easily.

I can spend the whole night reflecting and determined to change my ways, but when I wake up the next morning, I’m the same old me.

Anyway, I don't feel like writing shit today. Emo Emo Emo Elmo

Maybe I Don't Want to Grow Up Just Yet

2009-10-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

Its this stage of our lives when we linger around memories of our past, analyzing our actions and reactions. And then we try to look to the future, the dreams we have, what we want our lives to turn out like, and also where we will be in lets say 20 years time.

Unfortunately, my desires for the future are shrouded by mind mist and I can't tell what the hell I want. So career counseling comes in. I just went for 1 session and have 1 more coming up. Hopefully by the time I'm done with it, some if not all of that mist will disappear.

When I entered the wilderness of the outside world, I was quite relieved. No more being nagged. I could do any shit I want. It isn't so fun though when you know that you have to achieve good grades and maintain them. And then again, being creatures with reservoirs of emotions, we will definitely miss the feeling of family. Hey, not to mention all the awesome food back home. And the fact that you didn't have to do anything by yourself if you didn't want to back home.

We will have to mature at an extraordinary rate now. And the decisions we will be making are bigger and have more importance than the decisions we used to make. Better still, most of our decisions now will be our own. No more asking our parents what they want us to think. And I can't say that those are fun things to do. More responsibility means more stress and indecision as we have to think over until the thing we are thinking of becomes overcooked. I've screwed my life around enough to know that I don't want to screw up anything again.

So yeah, maybe I don't want to grow up just yet.

But then reality, in the shape of a hammer has to smash me in the face. There is no way I can stop growing up. I just have to accept that there are times when things don't go our way. We just have to tread through the storm and hope that there is a beautiful garden awaiting us if we can survive that storm. Even if our umbrella breaks along the way, continue moving on. Don't stand there like a lightning rod. Give ourselves 3 seconds and then fight on.

We can perish at any moment, why can't bad memories do the same?

2009-10-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

Just now was the first time I had to really evacuate from a building. Not a fire drill. Worst of all, it had to happen midway through my calculus exam. It seems that there was a fire somewhere in the exam hall as there were firetrucks around it. But the fire alarm didn't go off though.

Just another example of here today, dead tomorrow. There is a risk of dying everytime we are on the road. And as I like to say, I could be dead tomorrow.

So yeah, have we left a deep enough impression on people that they will remember us when we are long gone? People who are not our family I mean. Well, I don't think I've done enough. And also there are a few things that I really really want to do and many things that I kinda want to do before I die.

So if there is a possibility that I could die tomorrow, why can't the memories that are holding me back do the same?

Maybe there is still a broken silver lining around the cloud and I am not willing to let go yet. Not until those broken lines disappear.

4 years

2009-10-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

My college degree will take around 4 years. So let me recall the things that have 4 years in common throughout my life so far.

Getting a black belt in Tae Kwon-Do.
I think it took at least 4 years. Maybe more.

Not being the top of my class.
The last 4 years of secondary school. I really regret slacking off but I think if I could go back in time, I still would slack off. So I'm regretting for nothing really.

Serious involvement in music.
Not counting my early forays into the field of music as a child. My piano teacher used to tease my fingers, saying they were so cutely short and fat...

Being single but unavailable because I had her in mind.
I may have strayed but I still found myself back on her path. Well those 4 years had its ups and downs as well. Happiness, despair, confusion, confidence boosts, blurness, determination, and frustration among others. According to Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus, men are like rubber bands and women are like waves or is it the other way around? But you should get what I mean. So yeah, there were bound to be happy times and sad times.

I'm lazy to look for other things in the valleys of my mind and I think you are also probably bored to the toilet bowl reading this.

I guess that I will be able to cope with this shit, but I just don't want to.

Dreams of the Past and Desires for the Future

2009-10-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

I had a dream. One when I was sleeping or one when I am awake? Well, both. I'll talk about the REM one. I think my super lazy subconscious mind was trying to show me what I really yearn for. First, I kinda got together with a chick, and then we were walking to dinner or something discussing about where has the best bak kut teh, so we walked into a shop, a typical bak kut teh coffeeshop and then suddenly I was eating away with many people, around 8-10 and its just like home, eating with family. The chick was nowhere to be seen though. Well, I guess introductions are just to get our attentions and then they kinda disappear.

So yeah, Bak kut teh, I had it yesterday and it was awesome, but I was also looking forward to it today, at the Singaporean Food Festival, sorry to say it was a disappointment though, tasted like pai kut soup. But the nasi lemak was awesome. Holy shit, these two days have been awesome, being able to eat food that tasted close to home.

Better still, there were a few moments when my doubts about continuing my studies here went away. I guess it was the feeling of being with a family that chased those doubts away. And I probably never realized that I missed my family back home more than I thought. Until today.

I also went to watch Zombieland. 20-30 mins of walking to the cinema and back but it was good stress relief. It was a freaking ZOMEDY instead of a horror show.

And I am pissed they killed off Storm Shadow in G.I. Joe. Who the hell is Snake Eyes gonna fight in the next movie? And Cobra Commander's mask looks like they didn't have enough time to come up with a decent enough mask. It was just like molten plastic.

Why do things that matter the most never end up being what we chose?

2009-10-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

My favourite line from Hell Song by Sum 41. I think it is the last song I worked on covering and recording before I came here. Was working on an acoustic version of it as well. I was initially supposed to perform it but that didn't materialize and I don't really know why I decided to continue working on it. Could be the catchy riff, solo or lyrics. Well, I have no damn idea why.

So, back to the title. What are the things that matter the most to me. Or rather, what are the things that should matter the most to me.

I can't really think of anything that matters the most to me. My whole mind is in subconscious mode. Oh well, I have a lazy conscious mind. The only things I can come up with are family, happiness (having fun, making people laugh), helping people, friends, and a certain someone.

Things that should matter the most are studies, time management, homework...studies generally. STUDIES is something that I have left in my Recycle Bin for almost 6 years, which is far too long.

Almost all of these things weren't what I chose. When I reflect on my memories (again) before smacking myself (again), I decided to do things that wouldn't benefit me in any way. Sometimes I didn't go out with my family on weekends, sometimes I would have chosen to stay in a corner instead of going around having fun, I couldn't make it for some outings with my friends, and I decided to come to a different spot in the sea to catch other fish. I guess that that special someone only comes along once in our lives. After him/her, its then a special someone ELSE.

Life is short, and we should put the things that matter the most to us first before the rest.

Which means that I should be focusing on my studies so that my future wife and kid(s) would have a good life.

BUT, we'll see how it goes.

My new deodorant makes me smell like a mango instead of a chocolate.

And I popped up in a picture in the campus newspaper.

(Gahh, the angle makes me look fat.)
.......damn, I'm starting to sound like a girl.

Maybe Its Just Me, Or Couldn't I Believe?

2009-10-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

Learned helplessness is when you fail too many times to even bother trying getting back up on your feet again because you know that you are just gonna fail again. In my words,

After each fall,
I pick myself up again,
But I now stand lower than I was before,
Until I stand at the same height as when I am on the ground.

I can't help but feel that I have let my parents and some other people down for the past 5-6 years. I haven't been getting good grades and I didn't reach my expectations. So I try to punish myself by not giving me the things I want, depriving myself of a little entertainment, and reminding myself of this every other day. Well, they don't seem to be working too well. Someone used to motivate me to study and hell did I feel happy studying at that time: it was like I was high on drugs or something. Well, I don't think it had much of an effect on my grades though. So that kind of external motivation is really just external..it has superficial effects.

Why did this shit happen? I may ask. Well, it could be many things. Learned helplessness, pure laziness, technology, and distractions among others.

Learned helplessness.
It could have happened due to me not getting the marks or class position I wanted even after trying quite hard many times. So I felt inferior and that even if I studied, the same shit would happen, so why bother studying when the results would be the same? To hell with that mentality man. I am better than this. It may be too late to start, but it is better late than never.

Pure laziness.
I'm as lazy as the laziest animal on Earth. I guess I could even challenge it. I would do homework at the latest possible time and I would do last second studying. I also think my mum used to say that I am laziness personified. Wow, what an honor.

Technology.
Technology RUINED me. I easily spent more than half of my waking hours with a piece of technology in front of me. These evil, little soul-sucking wonders of invention are like drugs. I would spend my time zombified in front of the damn computer or TV when I should be doing homework.

Distractions.
Girls...Games....Girls....Football...Bed...Food... All of them definitely look and sound more pleasing than the dreaded word- STUDY... So yeah, I was naturally more inclined to doing those distractions since their magnetic forces were stronger than the magnetic force of studying.

Come to the DARK side, we have Hot Chicks, Video Games, Comfortable Beds and Cookies.

or

Come to the LIGHT side, we have Books and more Books, which means 23/7 studying.

Its your choice.

Ahh I've gotta go do my homework now..and then get a good, chilly night's sleep by the beach and while Megan Fox is above me (on the ceiling for those of you whose minds frequently stray off the righteous path).

Separate from the rest, where I like you the best.

2009-10-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

The title is from a song I just found. Between the Bars by Elliott Smith. Well, its not the kind of music I enjoy, but I can relate to that sentence.

Moving on to the topic of the day. Things I like.

Girls.

The best thing that a guy can have is a good partner. They can cook good food for you, clean up the house even when you don't want them to, be your best companion, and they will help you and care for you. They are also good external sources of motivation.

Not to forget, they can be good eye candy and my eyes can never be full.

Children.

They say the funniest things. They are so cute and adorable(mind you, I'm not a paedophile). They can be mischievous and get away with it. They are living the perfect life. No need to do shit, people do it for them, they get away with almost anything and they have all the time to learn new things.

Best of all, they have the potential to be moulded into any kind of person, if given the right guidance.

Music.

Making music in particular. Limitless possibilities, mostly sounding like shit. But when an awesome sounding piece of music comes by, there is a super high level of satisfaction, achievement and euphoria.

Sleep.

It is my escape from this world. Its mostly pleasant but there are some bad times as well. I just woke up yesterday during a night terror and I was saying oh shit..I think a bee was stinging me.

Making People Laugh.

And laughing with them. Well this one doesn't need any explanation does it?

Animals.

I miss my tortoises and fishes. I hope my tortoises haven't been turned into turtle soup. Well, pets are good companions who can be trained. And they are not as annoying as some other humans, they are obedient and they are fun to play with.

Helping People.

Its the same as making people laugh.. I guess I feel that I did something useful in life since I do so much shit.

Lazing around.

It is so productive...NOT!! But I still like it..

Food.

Bak kut teh and nasi lemak...ahhh I miss those 2 dishes. And also home cooked food. Food is like art. You mix and match and get something that might look bad but tastes awesome. But in art the picture looks good and might smell bad.

Football/Soccer.

Kicking balls is so much fun. Props to the creator of this sport.

Waking up to Megan Fox and the Beach.

This picture says a paragraph. Its my bed btw.

Thats all for now. The things I am thinking of are getting more ridiculous.

All These Things I Hate Should Go Down The Drain

2009-10-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Things I hate...lets see..

Routine.
Quote a shirt I used to see. "Same Shit, Different Day"... I hate routine with a passion. Predictable, monotonous, boring, lame and lifeless. Routines are for robots and machines, not living things. There is a reason why we are living and they are not.
I want to be able to wake up each morning and ask myself, "What the hell will I do today?" and "Lets see whats in store for me today!".

Writing.
Ironic that this blog is like full of text rite. I still hate writing nonetheless. Mainly due to a monster called plagiarism, lurking around the corner with its sharp claws and teeth waiting to jump on you at any opportunity and then devour your credibility and public identity. Hey, what if my subconscious mind works in a way that I retain only the important information and not the person who wrote it. And I wrote it without referring to any source but just based on my memory alone. And I have no idea where I first read it and can't find it on the net now. So why waste my time looking for information I already know?

Studying.
Spend so much time studying and at least 50% of what I have to study will be irrelevant in my future. Maybe the authors of the textbooks just want to show off their knowledge and make me feel like an idiot.
Studying is different from learning though. I learn things I am interested in while I study things I have no interest in whatsoever.

People Telling Me What To Do....Many Times.
Once is enough ok. I know my deadlines and I won't feel like doing anything until the deadline is approaching. I think its called sensation seeker in psychology. Even if people mean it as a reminder, they should put it in such a way that is friendly and not like I'm stupid.

Seriousness.
You know how some people cannot ever take a dirty joke..or even a normal joke. They have that straight face all the time. They shoot down all your quirky, out of the box ideas the moment thay can sniff that idea's ass. They say that your super funny speech is pointless when the point of it is to actually make the audience laugh...and the rest of the audience are actually laughing at a decibel that make the place collapse. Yeah..these super serious people. Maybe they actually think they are superheroes..."Hi, I'm SeriousMan. I wear my underwear upside down on my head and be serious all the time so that I can prevent the apocalypse."..SeriousMan, I think you are the apocalypse.
People who are toooooooo serious should chill out. Laughter is the ESSENCE of Life....GROW DOWN!!

Exams.
Ah, who doesn't hate exams?...that was a stupid question...Everyone I know hates exams...If you know me and you love exams, I obviously don't know you well enough..If you are a hot chick and you don't hate exams, you should introduce yourself to me because I would like to interview you...
This dreaded word will be one of the most important factors in determining our futures. But it is so flawed. Lets say I used to be able to do something real good..but when the exams come, I get a sudden, temporary memory instability and flunk the exam. Good future is half gone. Not to mention that the high amount of time you spend preparing for the exam is wasted.
Also, many people cheat in exams and get away scot-free..unfair advantages are never fun when the odds are against you.. What about the honest, innocent exam-takers? Honesty isn't the best policy in this case.

The World Now.
Expectations are atmosphere-high. Time is the one thing we don't have. Decent girls are hard to come by. The economy is heading to another planet. Although distance can be covered quite quickly, the faster we cover it, the higher the cost. We are devolving to the Dark Ages. War can happen as easily as snapping a twig. We can live longer but at a higher cost. Money is so volatile and yet without it we are nobody.

There is still more stuff to write I guess...But I think that these are enough. I need to go channel out all the hatred that has been accumulating since I started writing this post.

The Basics of This Blog 101

2009-10-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

Hey there, firstly, I can't believe that I got my first blog before I get my first girlfriend. WTH rite?? This sucks..it really sucks....really.....seriously..it sucks... Oh well, what can I do?

So its been like 2 months since I left home. The total freedom I have here has given me plenty of time to reflect on myself and my abilities. It is always fun to be in a new place and explore new things. I am enjoying myself. But I guess I am not having as much fun as I was during my high school years.

Coming here has also opened up my perspectives. No more living in a seashell. I came here with the intention of majoring in something related to nanotechnology somewhere down the road. Well, nanotechnology sounds cool doesn't it. I mean, there are unlimited possibilities what you can do with nano-things. But the more I learn about it, the more boring it seems. So I'm having second thoughts on what I want to do in the future.

Here is where this blog comes in. It is mainly for me to reflect on myself based on my opinions. So, if you were expecting updates about my life here, I'm sorry to say I might disappoint you. Well, you are entitled to your opinions too and if you agree with me, good for us. But if you disagree, I'll try not to give a shit.

I used to think my views were everything,
Now I think they were bullshit, and that my present views are the shit,
In the future, I will find my present views ridiculous, and my future views ideal,
Only in self-realization or death will I admit that
THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND ME.

Gah, its 1.30 am and I feel like sleeping already. You also probably feel like doing something. I dunno what it is but I know that you know. So you should go do it.